One Month

If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me over the last month to cherish every moment with my new tiny human, I could send said little tiny human to college. Like tomorrow. And not even a cheap school, we're talking private liberal arts college (see you in 2034, Milligan!). Don't get me wrong, it's great advice. I blinked and now he's outgrowing his newborn pajamas and wearing big kid clothes...ok, maybe it's just 0-3 month clothes but it feels like big kid clothes to this sobbing mess of a new mom. I'm thankful for this advice and have been doing my absolute best to make every moment count so not a single second is wasted, but I had a realization today. As hard as I try to savor each minute with my son, it just simply will never be enough. I will never feel completely satisfied in the time I have with him. As negative as that sounds, it's really quite beautiful. 

Paxton Jarrett, I simply cannot get enough of you. Everything you are is infinitely more than my heart can contain. I could spend every second of every day taking you in, holding you in my arms, smelling your scent, and staring at your perfect face, and it would never be enough. This love I have for you is so much deeper than anything I've ever experienced before, and my heart and my mind can't even comprehend it. I cannot and will not ever get enough of you.

So for now I'll put down my phone and turn off the tv.

I'll stare deeply into your dark blue eyes and pray you always see life as a great big adventure.

I'll memorize your hurricane-like cowlick that perfectly matches your daddy's and hope you turn out exactly like him in every way.

I'll rub my fingers along your tiny hands and imagine the work you'll do with them someday.

I'll hold your long, skinny feet and dream about all the amazing places in the world they will go.

I'll listen to your small but mighty voice as you coo and cry and think about the words you'll one day speak and the songs you'll one day sing.

I'll take you all in. I'll memorize every detail. I'll cherish every second of everyday, all the while knowing that it will never be enough. I will never be satisfied in the amount of time I have with you, because I will always want more...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Paxton's Arrival

Disclaimer: 

Sometimes we write blog posts to encourage, inform, or enlighten others. This is not one of those times. To be honest, this post is all for me. You are more than welcome to read it, you are more than welcome to not. It's up to you. Every single one of the last 23 days I have thought to myself, "I would give anything to relive that day" and I have a feeling I will say that every day to come for the rest of my life. It was perfect. It was exhilarating. It was simply magical. So today I'm writing down the details so I never forget a single one of them. 

Ok, now you may proceed. Or not. Your choice.

On Monday, October 12th, Isaac and I decided we wanted to have one final date night before our Little Man arrived. I was 8 days away from my due date and my mom was flying in the next day to await the birth of her grandson so the timing was perfect. We left work, headed home to drop off one of our cars, and went to Texas Roadhouse (can I get an amen for those rolls?). Everything was completely normal and we had a great meal together. We left the restaurant and headed to the movie theater to see The Martian. A few different people had told us what a good movie it was so we wanted to be sure to see it before the baby came. 

Again, EVERYTHING WAS COMPLETELY NORMAL. Shouldn't there be some kind of warning sign that your life is about to totally change? Ok sure, I was 39 weeks pregnant and as big as a house so you're probably thinking that should be warning enough, but I was feeling great and sleeping well and was POSITIVE that labor was at least a week away. See, here we are. Completely UNAWARE that labor was NOT a week away. It was, in fact, about 90 minutes away.

Right about the most climactic point in the movie, I really needed to use the restroom. Not uncommon for someone with a watermelon squashing their bladder every second of every day. When I came back from the restroom, I sat down, leaned over and asked Isaac for a recap of what I missed and sat back in my chair. At that very moment, I knew something strange was happening. I once again leaned over to Isaac and this lovely exchanged occurred:

Me: Umm, hey babe. I think my water broke. Like just now.

Isaac: What? For real? Are you sure?

Me: I mean I'm pretty sure, I don't really know, but yeah I think so. Let me stand up real quick.

**Cue the flood gates**

Me: Yeah. Yep. Definitely sure. No question.

Can I please take a second to note that I was wearing a maxi dress? Do you know what happens when your water breaks and you're wearing a maxi dress? Amniotic fluid hits the floor like water spills out of that giant bucket in the air at the kiddy area of a water park. I like to think I did the movie theater a favor. That's probably the most sterile thing to hit that floor since they opened the place. I digress.

We got up to leave immediately and completely failed to tell a single employee what had happened. Yes, we should have told someone. Yes, we are irresponsible theater patrons. But please remember that MY WATER BROKE AND I WAS NOW OFFICIALLY IN LABOR AND I LOST ALL SENSE OF REAL LIFE. 

We came home and I immediately started folding blankets and tidying up our living room. Because apparently that's what is important when you're in labor. After snapping back into reality, I took a shower and Isaac packed all of our things in the car. I should note here that I was feeling ZERO contractions so we were basically giggling the whole time. Isaac kept saying, "remember how we're going to have a baby tonight?" and we would die laughing every time. I was half convinced I was dreaming because I fully imagined the moments before leaving for the hospital to be filled with tears and pain and cursing. Instead, I teased my hair and we took fun pictures like this on the way out the door:

We got to the hospital around 11:30 and got all checked in. Susan, my amazing midwife had called ahead to let them know we were coming so we had a very warm welcome! The nurse suggested we take some time to relax or to walk around for about a half hour or so. I was too anxious to sit still so we walked around the hospital and even got to go up and visit our friend Macy who was working the night shift! 

Soon after we got back to the room, the contractions started coming like crazy. Before I knew it, they were back to back with no break in between. Isaac was being his amazing self and telling me things like "You got this, babe! You can do it! You're doing such a great job!" I reciprocated the sweetness and said "Stop talking to me. I do not want to hear your voice." It was a really romantic moment. 

The pain was getting really intense and I decided to ask for an epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and tried to wait for a break in the contractions, but since they were coming constantly she had to stick the needle in my back in the middle of one. It was less than pleasant, but the result was wonderful. I was able to relax for a few more hours. I started dilating very quickly and eventually went from a 6 to a 9 in less than an hour. 

Around 7:00 a.m. Susan came in and said it was time to push! Let's take a minute and all reflect on how amazing this woman is. I cannot imagine my pregnancy or labor without her. She made me feel completely empowered throughout the entire process because she is the perfect balance of professional and personable. Pregnancy can be TERRIFYING. Labor can be TERRIFYING. However, Susan made me feel like I was a pro at both. She helped eliminate my fears and allowed me to enjoy the sweetest 9 months of my life. 

Ok, back to the story. I made it to a 10! It's push time! Again, I had completely different expectations of what this part would look like. I imagined sweat, tears, and more cursing, but there was none of that. Thanks to my amazing midwife, my sweet husband, and that lovely epidural, the hour of pushing went by extremely quickly and was actually fun. Yes. I said it. I loved every second of pushing! 

As Little Man was just about to make his appearance, Susan and Isaac suited up in gowns and gloves and got ready for my final pushes. When his head and shoulders had made it out, Isaac pulled him out. Yes, you read that correctly. My husband, who gags at the thought of a mayonnaise commercial, delivered our baby! At 8:19 a.m. on Tuesday, October 13th, he pulled out the squirming, slippery, little beauty and laid him on my chest and everything in the world felt right. We smiled from ear to ear, cried tear after tear, and knew that from that moment on, life would always be significantly sweeter. 

Our Story

I've been in the process of writing this post for a few months now, but have been hesitant to do so out of fear of offending someone or someone fearing they have offended us. As much as I don't want those things to happen, we decided from the beginning to be transparent about our adoption journey in an effort to encourage others on similar journeys and I feel that it's important to write this. So here it goes...

Since we announced we were pregnant, we have received the most beautiful encouragement and congratulations. Our people were OVERJOYED for us and it made us even more excited to be welcoming this baby into our world. We started noticing a trend, however, in some people's reactions that made us wonder what they were thinking. People would say things like "This is a HUGE miracle!" or "I was praying this would happen for you!" Others would say things like "I told you! All you had to do was decide to adopt and it would happen!" It became very clear that a lot of people were assuming we were adopting because we weren't able to get pregnant.

Many people (some of my very favorite people in the world, actually) decide to adopt after experiencing infertility. Their journeys are incredible. The redemption that God brings when he weaves families together in this way is amazing. Adoption after infertility is a beautiful story, but it's not our story.

I wanted to share this truth for 3 very important reasons:

1) Transparency is huge to us. We want people to know our story, our failures, our victories. As difficult as it has been as times, we want to be real. We choose to be honest and open. We believe this is the only way that true community can happen. When we realized that people were understanding our story to be different than reality, we wanted to tell the true version.

2) Couples who have experienced infertility are some of the bravest and strongest people I've ever met. My friends and family who have dreamed their whole lives of carrying a baby in their wombs and suddenly aren't able to have an inner strength deeper than most people I know. I would be honored to be seen as one of these women, but I'm not one. I don't have their strength. I don't have their patience. I don't have their unwavering joy despite the loss suffered. I'm not worthy to be in their camp. 

3) Families come to the journey of adoption in many different ways. Some have biological children first then adopt, some experience infertility and decide to adopt after that, and some choose to adopt before or instead of trying to have biological children. The reasons that families adopt are far less important than the fact that they actually are adopting. So when someone tells you they are adopting, it's ok to not assume you know the reasons that led to that decision. In fact, it's encouraging to adoptive families to celebrate that decision simply because God led them to it, regardless of what road he used to get them there!

I don't know why God chose that April day in 2013 to tell us to adopt, but he did.

I don't know why he gave us a passion for adoption before giving us a passion for biological children, but he did.

I don't know why he put adoption on our hearts without us having to experience infertility, but he did.

And finally, I don't know why he decided to bless us with the gift of this baby in my belly before blessing us with our adopted child, but he did.

This is our story, and we love it. Not because we think it's better than anyone else's, but simply because its ours.

We're doubling!

Our family is about to double and we couldn't be more excited!

Here are some quick updates because I'm sure you have a lot of questions. 

Let's be honest, WE have a lot of questions too so we'll all just learn together...

Caribaby:

-We have a phone call with our agency next week to discuss our adoption process now that I'm pregnant. We're hoping for no delays, but we trust our agency completely and know they will make the best decisions for us and our babies. Ha! Babies. Plural. That's fun to type.

-As far as we know, we are still #8 on the list but again, who knows what the timeline will look like now. We most likely won't be bringing Caribaby home before Bellybaby arrives. 

-We are thinking about and praying for our sweet Caribaby everyday and cannot wait to see his/her sweet face soon!

Bellybaby:

-I am 12 weeks pregnant and the baby is the size of a plum!

-I've been so thankful to have minimal sickness, but not so thankful to have minimal energy. Growing a human is hard work! Naps and I are going back to our college relationship and we're picking up right where we left off.

-Bellybaby is due on October 20th, but Isaac (the movie lover) is REALLY hoping for October 21st. I'll let you figure this one out:

We've been SO blessed by everyone's sweet encouragement and excitement. We cannot fully express our joy and thankfulness for these two gifts who will be joining our family soon. Please continue to join us in prayer for perfect timing and good health for both littles. And also maybe throw in a little prayer for our sanity for when they arrive. And also thank God for our village. We love them. And need them. Don't leave us, village. Amen.

My Love

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I wanted to take some time to brag on my curly-headed, basketball-loving, guitar-playing husband. There’s no one else in the world I would rather walk this beautiful/gut-wrenching/joyful/heart-breaking/amazing road of adoption with than him, and there are so many reasons why. We’re new to the world of adoptive parents, but you would think Isaac had been preparing for it his whole life (and sometimes I doubt that God has been orchestrating this forever WHY?). Here is a list of things that prove why my baby daddy is the best ever.

-He didn’t flip out when I first mentioned adopting before trying to have biological kids. In fact, he was totally on board. I was prepared for him to shut me down immediately but he did no such thing. He was all in from the get-go.

-He’s basically the calmest person ever. I freak out about anything even remotely bad or remotely good in life. Anything above or below completely neutral causes an extreme reaction in me. He is my constant.

-I have spent my entire life coming up with baby names (I’m a girl, it’s what we do). I had list upon list upon list of names that I’ve doodled on notebooks since elementary school and was 100% sure we would use. Then one day out of the blue, he suggested a boy’s name and I melted. Completely melted. It was perfect. It was so completely us. My entire life had been devoted to naming our future children and in one instant he completed the task. Whether we use that name for Caribaby, a belly baby, or a goldfish, it’s perfect.

-He is SO excited to be a dad. Before we decided to adopt, I questioned whether or not he even wanted to be a father. Not because he ever expressed that, but because (again, remember who I am) I am 100% expressive about EVERY TINY DETAIL and he is calm about EVERY TINY DETAIL. He expresses his excitement different than I do, and I love him for it.

-When the emotional roller coaster of being on a waiting list was too much for me, he took over. He became the one to communicate with our agency and to check in when the time was right. He worked on the US Embassy issues and faxed every document imaginable to the Caribbean.

-He tells me often what a great mother he thinks I will be. Whenever I doubt my ability to handle whatever is to come in our future as parents, he reminds me that it’s not up to us to succeed, its up to us to let Jesus be the center and let him restore and reconcile all things back to himself in the most perfect way.

I love you, Schade. Thanks for being my favorite part of every day.

Number 8 feels oh so great!

Movin' on up!

I Am The Lord, Your God

In the fall of 2012, we built a house. Let’s be real, we didn’t actually build it ourselves. If that were the case we would be homeless at this point. Neither my husband nor I have much skill in the carpentry/electrical/plumbing/really anything remotely resembling construction area. I remember going to build houses in Mexico with my youth group in high school and it was always quite an interesting experience. My friends and I would help as much as we could but we usually ended up playing with the neighborhood kids. I think the homeowners were thankful when they saw us put our hammers and saws down in exchange for soccer balls and baby dolls.

Anyway, back to my original point. When we built our house, our amazing builders gave us a family Bible and encouraged us to read through the entire Bible in a year. We thought this would be a fun challenge and something really beneficial to us and our ministries, so we decided to do it through the year 2013.

I’m a pastor. My husband is a pastor. The Bible is kind of a big deal for us. But we had NO idea how impactful reading the Bible as an entire story would be for us as individuals, us as a couple, and us as adoptive parents. To see the gospel laid out from beginning (like legit Adam and Eve beginning) to end was incredible. We felt like we, for the first time, were reading a narrative instead of just bits and pieces of wisdom here and there.

One of the most influential aspects of scripture was a theme running through the Old Testament. After Moses frees the Israelite slaves from their captivity in Egypt and they begin wandering the desert, there are SO many times the Israelites panic and complain and question whether or not God is actually going to lead them to the Promised Land. They doubt his faithfulness because they cannot see the full plan laid out in front of them.

Pause here. THIS IS SO ME. I am all about following the Lord’s leading on things. I love stepping out in faith and taking risks that God has called me to take. I’m a little bit of a spontaneity-junkie so this kind of thing is right up my alley. HOWEVER, I am not all about walking in faith. I want to see the plan. I want to see the itinerary. I want to know what adventure is coming next. I want to see the destination and keep my eyes focused on it. The Israelites were all in when Moses said “It’s go time, grab that unleavened bread and peace out.” However, when they started wandering the wilderness and didn’t have the end in sight, they panicked and questioned God’s faithfulness.

When God said, “Hey Maggie & Isaac, it’s go time. Adopt a child. Start that paperwork. The time is now.” - we were all in. It wasn’t a long drawn out process of us going back and forth asking if we should or shouldn’t. We literally had one conversation about it and were so confident in God’s leading that we knew adoption was what we needed to do. I don’t say this to brag or to say “look how faithful we are,” because that is the furthest thing from the truth. As willing as I was to step out and begin the process, I was even more unwilling to trust him through it.

Throughout the Old Testament, we see the Israelites begging God for answers, questioning his plan, and demanding to know the destination. Each time this happens, God simply says “I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt.” He is referring them back to his greatest act of faithfulness in their lives. He is saying, “You are doubting that I know what I’m doing BUT remember who I am. I am the one who rescued you from slavery. I am the one who gave you freedom. I am the one who began this journey in the first place. I AM.”

When our adoption journey took turns that we weren’t prepared for, we were reminded of these passages, and reminded of God’s previous faithfulness. Every time something fell through, God referred us back to the times when he made a way out of something impossible. Every time we felt defeated, God referred us back to a time when he claimed victory. Every time we doubted that adoption was for us, God referred us back to the very moment when he opened our hearts to it.

We’re slow learners so we knew if we weren’t constantly reminded of the ways God was faithful, that we would lose sight of them. We put up a chalkboard in our house that we have to look at every time we walk into our bedroom. We started listing ways that God showed his unbelievable power and mercy throughout our process. Every day we are reminded of his faithfulness in our adoption journey. I want to never lose sight of that or forget those moments when he made a way for the impossible.

“I am the Lord your God who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.” Psalm 81.10