One Month

If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me over the last month to cherish every moment with my new tiny human, I could send said little tiny human to college. Like tomorrow. And not even a cheap school, we're talking private liberal arts college (see you in 2034, Milligan!). Don't get me wrong, it's great advice. I blinked and now he's outgrowing his newborn pajamas and wearing big kid clothes...ok, maybe it's just 0-3 month clothes but it feels like big kid clothes to this sobbing mess of a new mom. I'm thankful for this advice and have been doing my absolute best to make every moment count so not a single second is wasted, but I had a realization today. As hard as I try to savor each minute with my son, it just simply will never be enough. I will never feel completely satisfied in the time I have with him. As negative as that sounds, it's really quite beautiful. 

Paxton Jarrett, I simply cannot get enough of you. Everything you are is infinitely more than my heart can contain. I could spend every second of every day taking you in, holding you in my arms, smelling your scent, and staring at your perfect face, and it would never be enough. This love I have for you is so much deeper than anything I've ever experienced before, and my heart and my mind can't even comprehend it. I cannot and will not ever get enough of you.

So for now I'll put down my phone and turn off the tv.

I'll stare deeply into your dark blue eyes and pray you always see life as a great big adventure.

I'll memorize your hurricane-like cowlick that perfectly matches your daddy's and hope you turn out exactly like him in every way.

I'll rub my fingers along your tiny hands and imagine the work you'll do with them someday.

I'll hold your long, skinny feet and dream about all the amazing places in the world they will go.

I'll listen to your small but mighty voice as you coo and cry and think about the words you'll one day speak and the songs you'll one day sing.

I'll take you all in. I'll memorize every detail. I'll cherish every second of everyday, all the while knowing that it will never be enough. I will never be satisfied in the amount of time I have with you, because I will always want more...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Paxton's Arrival

Disclaimer: 

Sometimes we write blog posts to encourage, inform, or enlighten others. This is not one of those times. To be honest, this post is all for me. You are more than welcome to read it, you are more than welcome to not. It's up to you. Every single one of the last 23 days I have thought to myself, "I would give anything to relive that day" and I have a feeling I will say that every day to come for the rest of my life. It was perfect. It was exhilarating. It was simply magical. So today I'm writing down the details so I never forget a single one of them. 

Ok, now you may proceed. Or not. Your choice.

On Monday, October 12th, Isaac and I decided we wanted to have one final date night before our Little Man arrived. I was 8 days away from my due date and my mom was flying in the next day to await the birth of her grandson so the timing was perfect. We left work, headed home to drop off one of our cars, and went to Texas Roadhouse (can I get an amen for those rolls?). Everything was completely normal and we had a great meal together. We left the restaurant and headed to the movie theater to see The Martian. A few different people had told us what a good movie it was so we wanted to be sure to see it before the baby came. 

Again, EVERYTHING WAS COMPLETELY NORMAL. Shouldn't there be some kind of warning sign that your life is about to totally change? Ok sure, I was 39 weeks pregnant and as big as a house so you're probably thinking that should be warning enough, but I was feeling great and sleeping well and was POSITIVE that labor was at least a week away. See, here we are. Completely UNAWARE that labor was NOT a week away. It was, in fact, about 90 minutes away.

Right about the most climactic point in the movie, I really needed to use the restroom. Not uncommon for someone with a watermelon squashing their bladder every second of every day. When I came back from the restroom, I sat down, leaned over and asked Isaac for a recap of what I missed and sat back in my chair. At that very moment, I knew something strange was happening. I once again leaned over to Isaac and this lovely exchanged occurred:

Me: Umm, hey babe. I think my water broke. Like just now.

Isaac: What? For real? Are you sure?

Me: I mean I'm pretty sure, I don't really know, but yeah I think so. Let me stand up real quick.

**Cue the flood gates**

Me: Yeah. Yep. Definitely sure. No question.

Can I please take a second to note that I was wearing a maxi dress? Do you know what happens when your water breaks and you're wearing a maxi dress? Amniotic fluid hits the floor like water spills out of that giant bucket in the air at the kiddy area of a water park. I like to think I did the movie theater a favor. That's probably the most sterile thing to hit that floor since they opened the place. I digress.

We got up to leave immediately and completely failed to tell a single employee what had happened. Yes, we should have told someone. Yes, we are irresponsible theater patrons. But please remember that MY WATER BROKE AND I WAS NOW OFFICIALLY IN LABOR AND I LOST ALL SENSE OF REAL LIFE. 

We came home and I immediately started folding blankets and tidying up our living room. Because apparently that's what is important when you're in labor. After snapping back into reality, I took a shower and Isaac packed all of our things in the car. I should note here that I was feeling ZERO contractions so we were basically giggling the whole time. Isaac kept saying, "remember how we're going to have a baby tonight?" and we would die laughing every time. I was half convinced I was dreaming because I fully imagined the moments before leaving for the hospital to be filled with tears and pain and cursing. Instead, I teased my hair and we took fun pictures like this on the way out the door:

We got to the hospital around 11:30 and got all checked in. Susan, my amazing midwife had called ahead to let them know we were coming so we had a very warm welcome! The nurse suggested we take some time to relax or to walk around for about a half hour or so. I was too anxious to sit still so we walked around the hospital and even got to go up and visit our friend Macy who was working the night shift! 

Soon after we got back to the room, the contractions started coming like crazy. Before I knew it, they were back to back with no break in between. Isaac was being his amazing self and telling me things like "You got this, babe! You can do it! You're doing such a great job!" I reciprocated the sweetness and said "Stop talking to me. I do not want to hear your voice." It was a really romantic moment. 

The pain was getting really intense and I decided to ask for an epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and tried to wait for a break in the contractions, but since they were coming constantly she had to stick the needle in my back in the middle of one. It was less than pleasant, but the result was wonderful. I was able to relax for a few more hours. I started dilating very quickly and eventually went from a 6 to a 9 in less than an hour. 

Around 7:00 a.m. Susan came in and said it was time to push! Let's take a minute and all reflect on how amazing this woman is. I cannot imagine my pregnancy or labor without her. She made me feel completely empowered throughout the entire process because she is the perfect balance of professional and personable. Pregnancy can be TERRIFYING. Labor can be TERRIFYING. However, Susan made me feel like I was a pro at both. She helped eliminate my fears and allowed me to enjoy the sweetest 9 months of my life. 

Ok, back to the story. I made it to a 10! It's push time! Again, I had completely different expectations of what this part would look like. I imagined sweat, tears, and more cursing, but there was none of that. Thanks to my amazing midwife, my sweet husband, and that lovely epidural, the hour of pushing went by extremely quickly and was actually fun. Yes. I said it. I loved every second of pushing! 

As Little Man was just about to make his appearance, Susan and Isaac suited up in gowns and gloves and got ready for my final pushes. When his head and shoulders had made it out, Isaac pulled him out. Yes, you read that correctly. My husband, who gags at the thought of a mayonnaise commercial, delivered our baby! At 8:19 a.m. on Tuesday, October 13th, he pulled out the squirming, slippery, little beauty and laid him on my chest and everything in the world felt right. We smiled from ear to ear, cried tear after tear, and knew that from that moment on, life would always be significantly sweeter.